Of Jerks and Popstars
by xxHeadInTheStarsxx
Summary: “Oh, sorry. I forgot that I was speaking to a virgin.” If you combine a perverted Shane and a sarcastic Mitchie, the possibilities are endless. Smitchie. one-shot


**A/N: **I wonder how long this took me to write/proofread/edit. Hours probably. haha. I haven't written a Smitchie in a long time. I wrote this in order to feed my lack of Jemi/Smitchie-ness inside. It is perverted, but for some reason, perverted humor is my favorite. I don't know why. It's the kind of humor that will send me off to a huge fit of laughter for some reason. Please don't get offended because I don't mean to insult anybody. Well anyway, I hope you enjoy this!

* * *

Shane  
**Mitchie**

Monday

"Ow, watch it! …Oh, it's just you."

**"Wow, thanks for the acknowledgment, Shane. I'm surprised that you even recognized me despite all the fumes from your stupid hair. You look like a girl now."**

"Well, pfft, you look like a dude!"

**"A dude, Shane? Is that really the best you could come up with? No wonder you became an musician. You'd probably flunk out of high school. And don't get me started with college. Actually, wait, it doesn't even matter. You probably wouldn't even get accepted to any potential colleges. I could see it right now. If you weren't a tween pop sensation then you would be a hobo, begging for money in the outskirts of town."**

"No I wouldn't! Actually, I was at the top of my class when I was still at school! I can even show you my report card! My mommy kept it safely with her back home! I'm smart, I really am! I could have been the valedictorian if I didn't become part of Connect 3!"

**"If you went to the school for the mentally retarded, I'll believe you."**

"You're harsh, Mitchie."

**"Hey, I only learn from the best, Shane. Thank you for being a good teacher."**

"You're welcome."

**"That was supposed to be an insult. Wow, I can't believe I have to explain this to you."**

"No, actually, you gave me a double meaning statement. I just took the positive side, the _sexual _one. I mean, I am a good 'teacher' aren't I?"

**"… You disgust me."**

"Don't hate me because you want me, Mitchie."

**"I don't want you!**"

"Ha, keep telling yourself that."

**"But I don't—"**

"Bye."

**"Asshole!"

* * *

**

Tuesday

"Whoa, what the heck?!"

**"I have a bone to pick with you!"**

"Ugh, what do you want now, Torres? Oh and by the way, Ow! That hurt like a mother—"

**"I do not find you sexually attractive in any way!"**

"Yeah, all I heard was, 'I find you sexually attractive in every way! Take me now, Shane! I am giving you my virginity willingly!'"

**"Jerk!"**

"Yes, doll face?"

**"Ah, I hate you! You know that, right?"**

"If I didn't then I wouldn't be teasing you endlessly."

**"No, let me rephrase what I said before. You're a heartless, cold, cruel, insensitive jerk!"**

"Hey, you're not Little Ms. Perfect either. You're the one who doesn't know how to build a bridge and get over it."

**"Quoting Hannah Montana, now are we?"**

"Hey, I have the best of both worlds. I am the hottest rockstar ever."

**"Ahem, _popstar_, cough."**

"Rockstar, Torres, _rockstar_."

**"Ha. I'll call you a rockstar the day I fall in love with you."**

"And I'll be laughing at you, saying that I told you so the second you do. Anyway, I am the hottest rockstar ever, _and _I have the hottest girlfriend ever."

**"You…you have a girlfriend?"**

"Yeah. She's the new intern at the recording studio. She's _smoken', _and I have her completely whipped."

**"Oh…that's, um great. I'm gonna…go now. Bye."**

"Uh…bye?"

* * *

Wednesday

**"You jerk!"**

"Really, is that how you're always going to address me now, Mitchie? Jerk? I'd prefer a variety. There's prick, and asshole, even douche bag is out in the open."

**"You jerk!"**

*sighs* "Okay, what did I do this time?"

**"You should not be flirting with me while you have a girlfriend!"**

"Wha—flirting?! Where the hell did you get the impression that I was flirting with _you_?!"

**"I don't know! Maybe it's because you've been doing it the past two days!"**

"Mitchie, Mitchie, Mitchie. I know you have this undying love for me, but that doesn't mean that you need to make up lies to get me to break up with Hailey. Can't you see that we can only be friends? I mean, we can be friends with benefits if you want but—"

**"Jerk!"**

"Jeez, Mitchie, call me something else!"

**"Fine! You skirt-chasing manwhore!"**

"Well, that was certainly creative."

**"And true."**

"Hey, I am not a manwhore! I have respect for women!"

**"I doubt that since you do everything but respect me."**

"I do _everything _to you, huh?"

**"See, there you are with your perverted flirting styles! Stop flirting with me!"**

"I'm not flirting with you, damn it! I'm just making you uncomfortable! Jeez, after all the years we've known each other, a person would think that me sexually harassing you was normal already."

**"You're sick!"**

"…Well at least that's a step up to jerk."

**"Oh and a jerk too."**

"You need a new choice of vocabulary. I'll buy you a dictionary for your next birthday."

**"Ha, like I'd even invite you."**

"Of course you would! You love me!"

**"I hate you, Shane Gray!"**

"Love ya too, baby!"

**"Don't call me that! And stop flirting!"

* * *

**

Thursday

"Gah."

**"Whoa. Somebody is not in a good mood."**

"Of course I'm not! Hailey broke up with me."

**"Normally I would have lectured you for dating a girl for such a short time period, Mr. Date, Do, then Dump. But the fact that it was the girl who broke up with you prevents me from yelling at you. And mocking you, unfortunately. I, unlike you, have a heart. I don't add insult to injury."**

"Well you're the one who caused the injury! She broke up with me because of you!"

**"…Shane, I promise you, I did not do anything! I've never even spoken to her!"**

"That doesn't mean you have a huge mouth! She overheard you yelling at me for flirting! And now she thinks I'm this womanizing manwhore who doesn't know how to keep it in his pants! And I actually liked this girl, Mitchie! Gah! I wish I never met you!"

**"…"**

"Okay…maybe the last part was too far. Aw, Mitch, don't start crying."

**"…"**

"Mitchie, please stop crying. I'm supposed to be mad at you for God's sake."

**"…"**

"Oops that didn't make things any better… I'm not mad at you! Look, see! I'm smiling and happy and completely angry-free! You should be too!"

**"…"**

"Mitchie? Mitchie? Miiitttttcchhhhhiiiieeee?"

***sniffles***

"Okay, fine, I'll apologize. I'm sorry for yelling at you and hurting your feelings blah blah blah. That was way out of line, blah blah blah. And overall, I'm a jerk. Now can you stop crying please? You're making me feel guiltier than my ego is used to. And trust me when I say that that is not going to be good."

**"Oh, Shane."**

"Yay! She speaks! Oh, oh, okay there. Hugging your enemy is nice…but really awkward. And to get things straight, I'm only letting you hug me because I made you cry, Mitchie. Tomorrow, we're going back to hating each other, okay?"

**"Fine by me."

* * *

**

Friday

"Well look who it is! The reigning good girl of Hollywood! Had fun ruining _my song _during your concert last night?"

**"I have no idea what you're talking about, Gray."**

"Oh don't play innocent with me. You sang my song last night in front of a bunch of people. My. Song."

**"Yeah, I did."**

"Well, why did you have to go and ruin it?! Do you have any idea how long it took me to write that song by myself?! God, Mitchie, way to be the drizzling rain on my sunshiny parade. How would you feel if I sang one of your songs during my concert, huh?"

**"Well, first I'd be confused, and then I could care less. You're singing my song. Big whoop."**

"Psh, well then! Clearly, I'm the only one who's hurt!"

**"Clearly."**

"Gah. Whatever. Why did you even pick that song anyways?"

**"Well, why not? I love the whole, _because it's too late to pretend. You know me better than I know myself. Don't take my heart and put it on a shelf_. It explains…this person I know."**

"Fine. Next time Connect 3 has a concert, I don't care what Nate says! We're going to play your song! I'll be happy to scream, _so how did you get here under my skin?! Swore that I'd never let you back in! Should have known better than trying to let you go, 'cause here we go-go-go again._"

**"Not bad. Though, you were a bit off key."**

"Off key?! I think it was you who was off key last night at your concert! Did you even hear yourself while you sang my song? I thought my ears were bleeding at the sound of it. It was just excruciating. You should be sorry for hurting my ears so badly."

**"Jerk!"**

"And we're back to jerk again."

**"If I was a bad singer then why did the media compliment me on my cover of your song?!"**

"They did no such thing!"

**"Oh yes they did! See for yourself! Read it and weep!"**

"Those bastards."

**"Ha-ha. In your face."**

"Obviously, they're deaf! There's no other explanation! You _ruined _my song!"

**"No, I'm sure I made it better. The recording studio is calling me in later this afternoon to officially record a cover of Shelf."**

"Nooo!"

**"I'm just kidding, Shane. Jeez."**

"You insane woman. You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

**"But you still love me, don't you?"**

"Ha, look who is flirting now, Mitchie."

**"Like I said before. You're a good teacher."**

"… That was intended to be sexual right?"

**"Bye, Shane."**

"No, Mitchie, wait!"

**"Bye."**

"Mitchie!"

**"…"**

"Dammit!"

* * *

Monday

"Mitchie!"

**"Oh, you. Hi, jerkface."**

"Okay, you're just saying that to annoy me now."

**"Maybe. Most likely."**

"Jeez. I don't see you for two straight days and when I greet you with the utmost joy and enthusiasm, you turn me down by calling me a jerk. Way to start the week, Torres."

**"In my defense, I didn't technically call you a jerk this time."**

"No, you just combined two words together, one containing the word jerk in it, and created a new word so you could insult me differently."

**"Whatever. I still expanded my vocabulary. That's what you wanted, right?"**

"No, I want you in bed with me."

**"Ew! Gross! You pervert!"**

"Ha, you should have seen the look on your face when I said that! I should have gotten that on tape. Do you think the security cameras caught that?"

**"There are security cameras in here?!"**

"Of course there are. People try to steal something in a recording building once in a while. Why? Do you secretly do kinky stuff when you're all alone?"

**"Why are you so perverted?"**

"I'm not perverted. I'm just sexually deprived. I haven't had a girlfriend since Jessica."

**"Jessica? What happened to Hailey?"**

"Her? Oh please. She was so last Thursday. On Friday night, I met this hot girl named Jessica. It didn't really matter that she was my girlfriend for a few hours. Well, she was more like a one-night-stand. But she was probably the hottest piece of ass I even had the pleasure of—"

**"Okay, _waaay _too much information."**

"Oh, sorry. I forgot that I was speaking to a virgin."

**"Hey!"**

"Well, you are a virgin? Aren't you?"

**"Well, yeah, but—"**

"I rest my case."

**"What case?! There is no case!"**

"You know, if you ever need to release all your sexual frustrations, you know my cell phone number. I bet seventeen years of complete abstinence must have made you begging for someone to pop your cherry already. I know it would have driven me mad if I waited as long as you have."

**"First of all, I would _never ever _lose my virginity to you, so don't count on getting a phone call from me. And secondly, I wait for marriage because I want my first time to be special! You probably wouldn't know that since you most likely lost it somewhere on a moving vehicle!"**

"Well if you wanted something special then you could have asked. I could rent a suite in the Hilton or the Marriot if you want."

**"What?! I'm not even dating you! I don't want to have sex with you!"**

"I'll call them right now."

**"No! Shane!"

* * *

**

Tuesday

"I'm sorry, it was a joke!"

**"Oh it better be a joke! Do you have any idea how furious my parents were with me? And my dad was ready to hunt you down FYI. It was so hard explaining to them that what you did was an immature and stupid joke!"**

"It was supposed to be funny!"

**"Well it wasn't!"**

"Come on, Mitch. I knew you had to be laughing at one point."

**"No, actually I was grossed out. Then I wanted to kill you when my parents saw it."**

"It was a joke!"

**"Who the hell sends a person, who you're not even dating by the way, a piece of red lingerie as a joke?!"**

"Uh…I do?"

**"I hate you!"**

"Well I don't like you that much either, but I don't scream about it every five minutes."

**"My parents thought I was sleeping with you!"**

"You should have taken that as a compliment…Ow! Okay, kidding, kidding! There's no need to hit me!"

**"You're lucky I told them that you were some kind of sick-minded son of a bitch!"**

"Yay, new word! I was afraid that you were going to call me a jerk forever, Mitchie."

**"Don't talk to me! I hate you!"**

"If I start crying would you forgive me?"

**"No!"**

"B-but, I really am c-crying! L-look! Tears! You should feel bad f-for me now!"

**"No!"**

"God, Mitch. And you say that _I'm _the heartless one."

**"Well since you're not actually crying and just faking it then I have no desire to forgive you or console you in any way!"**

"What, wait, huh?! …Mitchie! Wait!"

* * *

Wednesday

"Are you still not talking to me?"

**"…"**

"I'll take that as a yes."

**"…"**

"You're not being fair. When you broke Hailey and me up, I was the one who ended up apologizing to you instead of the other way around. You should at least forgive me, Mitchie."

**"…"**

"Please, I'm begging you! Talk to me!"

**"…"**

"Fine! I'll go…talk to somebody else then!"

**"…"**

*sighs*

* * *

Thursday

"How many times do you want me to say 'I'm sorry' until you forgive me?"

**"A million, billion, gazillion times."**

"Well, at least you're talking to me now."

**"…"**

"Shit. I jinxed it."

**"Go marinate yourself with hot tar, Gray."**

"Why are you being so mean? I missed you when you weren't so lethal and sarcastic. What happened to our friendship?"

**"It died along with your hair. You put too much product in it."**

"I'll make it up to you! I actually liked talking to you! It's only fun cracking perverted jokes with you! Yeah, you overreact, but with other girls, they either slap me, which hurts like a mo-fo; or I get laid, which isn't as fun as it sounds. It gets quite boring actually, especially with those non-noise makers. They make the whole situation awkward."

**"Go screw yourself, Shane."**

"Mitchie…"

**"I'm serious. Leave me alone."

* * *

**

Friday

**"What the hell are you doing?"**

"Shut up and trust me."

**"You should know by now that I would _never _trust you."**

"Then just shut up."

**"Not until you tell me what the hell you're doing—whoa."**

"Like it?"

**"Like it? I love it!"**

"Ha, you better. I spent so much freaking money on this."

**"Shane…why did you do this?"**

"So you could forgive me already! Do you know how unbearable it was living through those few days?!"

**"So you decided to rent Disneyland for a day, shut it down for us, and put my name in huge letters right in front of the sign as your apology?"**

"Well…I needed something to get your attention. You wouldn't speak to me at the recording studio unless it you were going to say something cruel."

**"Thank you, thank you, thank you!"**

"Ah, the hugging again. I gotta tell you, Mitch, your hugs are…well quite satisfying."

**"Don't get your hopes up, Shane."**

"I can still dream, can't I? By the way, I _promise _you that I will never send you anything sexual as a joke."

**"Apology accepted, popstar. I'll try to convince my dad not to kill you then."

* * *

**

Monday

"Hey, baby."

**"Don't call me that."**

"Why not? I think I'm officially allowed to call you that after what we did in the It's A Small World ride."

**"…No you don't."**

"Aw, are you still flustered from Friday? That's cute, Mitch. Like, real cute. You're even speaking in an embarrassed voice."

**"I'm not flustered!"**

"I think you are. You're blushing."

**"No I'm not!"**

"If making out with you in a kids' theme park got you this turned on with me then I would have done this years ago."

**"I'm not turned on!"**

"Are you sure?

**"I'm…I'm…I'm…gah! Shane!"**

"Damn. So close. Why did you have to back away, Mitch?"

**"Why are you so complicated? You're either an arrogant jerk who thinks the whole world revolves around him—"**

"Again with the vocabulary. Let's not go back to square one."

**"—or you're a pervert who thinks that he has the right to flirt, kiss, make out, or do whatever he wants with me just because he's a guy!"**

"You're the one who allowed me to make out with you on that boat."

**"Ah!"**

"Are you PMSing? Or is this just a natural behavior for you? I've noticed that you get mad at me very easily."

**"Maybe it's because you're such a—"**

"I swear to God, if you say jerk then I'll—"

**"You'll what?!"**

"…"

**"…"**

"That. I'll do that."

**"…I'm gonna…go now…"**

"Flustered again, Torres?"

**"Go to Hell, Gray."**

"And I'll meet you there. Then we can continue where we left off."

* * *

Tuesday

"Mitchie!"

**"Oh Dear God. Don't notice me. Don't notice me."**

"You thought you could hide away from me, didn't ya?"

**"More liked hoped."**

"Oh, and who's _that_?"

**"Oh that's Brad. He's my—"**

"_Brad_, huh? So after all that's happened to us, you go and ditch me for some hideous looking dude. And you say that I'm the coldhearted cheater."

**"What?! First of all, we're not even dating. Second, Brad's—"**

"How old is he? What school did he come from? How did you guys meet? Can he sing? I bet he can't sing better than I can. Nobody could. I mean, I'm Shane Gray. I'm a total beast at singing. This Brad has nothing on me. You're really wasting your time on some loser, Mitch. I thought you had better taste that that."

**"Shane, Brad is—"**

"Am I that bad of a boyfriend, Mitchie? Is that why you left me?"

**"WE'RE NOT DATING! AND BRAD IS MY—"**

"How could you say we're not dating?! I held your hand throughout the building, I opened doors for you, I offered you a ride home, and all of those other things boyfriends do for their girlfriends! Hell, you even let me grope you under your—"

**"Shhh!"**

"I just can't believe that you ditched me for this douche bag."

**"GAH! JUST LET ME FINISH MY DAMN SENTENCE! BRAD IS MY COUSIN!"**

"Oh…"

**"Yes, you asshole."**

"You're not mad at me again, are you?"

**"Oh no. Why would I be mad at _you_?"**

"Is that sarcasm in your voice?"

**"And here I thought you were a complete idiot."**

"I'll make out with you again if that'll make you feel any better."

**"You're impossible."**

"An impossibly good boyfriend who's one hell of a kisser? Oh and he's really good in bed too. You'll find that out sooner or later."

**"I will repeat this one more time: we are not dating."**

"Fine, we're not dating. Not yet."

* * *

Wednesday

**"What are these?"**

"They're flowers. Duh. Pft, and you say that I'm stupid."

**"Okay, but why are you giving me flowers?"**

"They're all part of my plan to court you."

**"_Court _me? You mean, you're literally going to court me to be your girlfriend? You're not pulling one-night-stands or going for a short, pathetic relationship that shouldn't even be considered as a relationship?"**

"Yeah, you heard right. I want to be your boyfriend."

**"Are you just saying that to get into my pants?"**

"Well, that's part of it. But, for some odd and inexplicable reason, I'm attracted to what's inside of you as well. It's never happened to me before, so I'll probably not be good at this courting thing. Sorry about that. It's just…weird that I love your personality too. Not just your tits and ass."

**"Ugh, even when you're trying to be romantic, which you were for a few seconds, you manage to be perverted."**

"Did you know that all perverts are amazing in bed?"

**"For some reason, I doubt that statement."**

"I'll prove it true if you'd let me."

**"Never."**

"Well, that's a rejection to me deflowering you. That doesn't mean you're rejecting me to date you, right?"

**"No, I guess not…"**

"Good."

**"…"**

"…"

**"Dammit. You're giving me the butterflies, Shane. Stop smiling at me like that. I think you're going to make me blush soon."**

"You give me the butterflies too, as unmanly and pathetic as that sounded. And you do other things to me too…things that I don't think you'd enjoy if I spoke about it."

**"Wow, and I already know it's something sexual. What got you to be so perverted?"**

"I'd tell you, but then you'd probably not want to date me then."

**"Hmm, you're right."**

"Anyways, I'll pick you up at eight."

**"Wait, what?"**

"Wear something formal."

**"But—"**

"See ya later, Mitch."

* * *

Thursday

**"I don't understand how you did it, but you somehow kept the whole romantic, sweet scene and made a few things really perverted at the same time. A romantic, sweet, and perverted evening. That's something I'm not going to forget. How on Earth do you manage to do that, Shane?"**

"What can I say? I'm talented."

**"You got drunk too."**

"I think you got a bit tipsy yourself."

**"I should have recorded you at your drunken state. You were singing Madonna. Did you know that?"**

"Holy shit, I was?"

**"Yeah. If I had a recording of that, I would have uploaded it onto YouTube pronto."**

"For a hot but prude-y girl, you're really evil."

**"Prude-y?"**

"You know. You're very…prudent."

**"You do know that prudent doesn't mean that I'm a prude, right?"**

"Gah whatever. You're still a prude."

**"And yet you chose to ask me out, didn't you?"**

"…What can I say? Challenges are fun, but you're more than that. You're more like a…a person who can, I dunno, change me."

**"Aw, is Shane being sappy now?"**

"Shut up. I'm attempting romance again—without being perverse this time."

**"Okay, okay. I'm shutting up."**

"It's just…I think…no, I _know _I love…I LOVE YOU, OKAY?!"

**"…"**

"This would be the best time to say something."

**"Jerk."**

"What the hell did I do this time—"

**"…"**

"…"

**"You jerk. You made me think I didn't have a chance with you for _ages_. You should have told me you liked me! Then I wouldn't be desperately locked in my room, writing about a zillion songs about how frustrated I am with you!"**

"Wait, now you have me confused."

**"I love you too, jerk."**

"I'm guessing 'jerk' will be your new pet name for me."

**"Nah, I'm not that mean to you."**

"Actually you are, but that is one of the reasons why I love you. By the way, that was one hell of a kiss. I think I taught you well, Mitchie."

**"I have a good, no _amazing_, teacher after all."

* * *

**

_Jason  
_**Nate**

Friday

_"What the hell? Nate, look."_

**"What now, Jason?"**

_"Shane and Mitchie."_

**"Whoa…"**

_"I thought they hated each other?__"_

**"Well the way they're making out right now…damn Shane is one lucky bastard."**

_"Let's find a girl to hate so after a few weeks she'll be on our lap, kissing us too!"_

**"Uh, I hate to break it down to, Jase, but that doesn't really work that way."**

_"Oh…"_

**"Get a room you two!"**


End file.
